When all seems well, it strikes.

Many people see me as an optimistic, cheerful, and open guy. And sure, I do believe that's me to a large extent. But despite being almost 20, there are still occasional times when all seems well, it strikes and I lose myself. I become lost - confused, unmotivated, and uninterested.

There's no anchor in my life. Things come and go. Heck, even people come and go. Nothing seems to last. Time is a healer, but it's also a destroyer.

I don't know why, I don't know how, but it struck me after I finished my exams. How am I going to spend my time now that exams and assignments are over? I'm not one of those people who think academics are everything, but at the same time, I seem to have realised academics to be my priority while I'm still a student and now that I'm temporarily done with it, my life feels meaningless. While most people are off partying and chilling, I'm stuck within myself finding everything a waste of time. Perhaps this is an early sign that I'm a workaholic -- nothing means much without work -- and I just have yet to discover the career.

What about games? What about TV shows? What about movies? What about books? What about Youtubing? I looked forward to all of these while I was studying for my exams. But now that they are over, everything feels like time wasters. I feel bad for engaging in these 'time-wasters' because I don't feel like I'm investing much into my future. I'm just granting myself with temporary gratification. I also feel bad because I value the people in my life greatly and I can't allow myself to lock myself to my room and watch TV all day while friends leave for their summer break real soon. Time is precious, and while these people are still here with me, I should treasure it. But ironically, by being uninterested and moody, I waste all this precious time feeling upset and end up not doing anything with them.

So yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now. Useless. And I only have myself to blame.

I'm starting to realise that this world's just a mental battle within myself. I find myself often feeling guilty because I am harsh on myself. And punishing myself seems far worse than the 'punishments' others give me. Because it's ongoing. And will be for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if this is peculiar to me and my life, but my close friends don't seem to encounter such problems.

For the first time, I'm exposing my soft-side/struggles on my blog. I feel vulnerable, but I'm sure everybody is to an extent. At least I'm not hiding it from myself.