Fear of the Unknown

Wow, it has been too long since I last wrote something on this blog. And it would have been longer if it were not for a friend who stumbled upon my blog and encouraged me to continue it -- so dear you, thank you.

The obvious question would be why I stopped blogging -- well technically why I went on a hiatus. My honest answer would be that I didn't think anybody would care, which is why I got motivated again when a friend unexpectedly found this blog and reminded me of it.

I'm not sure how much this blog means to me now. Probably not a lot because I never thought about it before the friend who encouraged me to continue mentioned it. I remember I used to think a lot about it a few years back. It was my little project and I felt like I had a lot to express. It was my introverted way of communicating some of my thoughts without face-to-face judgment. But I guess now that has changed. These days I've been trying to do so face-to-face but I realise that it's not the same.

There's something about writing that just doesn't feel the same as talking or chatting. I think it feels more personal. 

Almost as if you’re communicating to yourself...

Yeah, I suppose that’s pretty accurate.

Writing should be more than just for recognition. It should lead the way for self-discovery — and this is the main reason why I'm going to try to continue this blog as often as I have time to spare.

***

Well enough of me bragging on about my blog. I'll jumpstart my return with a simple update on how I'm doing, what I'm doing, and what I'm looking forward to.

It's near the end of September the beginning of October. One and a half more months before uni is potentially over for good. 

And then what next? 

4th year honours? Employment? Or worse, unemployment? 

It really depends on my grades, which is why I’ve been so busy these days — working hard to get the grades I want so that I can have more options when the semester is over. 

And when semester is over... 

The near future is scary. I don't know what it brings. 

I'm afraid. Afraid of the unknown. 

I guess that's what growing up is about: having to face more unknowns as each year goes by. Leaving the comfort (that you never did know until you left) of your parents' home, you go out there to embrace the world only to realise that the world is against you. And you never know what is coming next. 

One event after another. One obstacle leading to another. 

Money issues. Study issues. Work issues. Girl issues. Friends issues. And ultimately, life issues. 

It feels like the world is repeatedly trying to break against my innocent and idealistic shield. And I guess you can say it's doing a good job -- I wonder how much of this shield I have left. 

This world simply does not give up. It just keeps coming at you as if it was programmed to do so. The only thing that can stop it seems to be the thing that's powering it, Time -- and Time does not stop does it? So in the end, the only person who can give up is me — and you. And/but will we? That depends on which is more painful: resisting or the thought of giving up?

Sometimes after you overcome an obstacle, you look back and you think: that wasn't so hard, was it? And that gives you hope...until the next obstacle comes and before you know it, you're right back at square one thinking why is the world against me?! 

I can't help but release a sigh every day. A sigh of relief, thankful for the fact that I'm still alright — until I slam right into the wall of thought that reads: 50 more years of this. Headfirst too. 

SIGH.

My First Step in the United States of America

A lot has happened since my last blog post. For one, I spent Christmas and New Years with my family in Melbourne -- I also happened to be the wedding photographer for my uncle's wedding on the first day of 2014. Secondly, I came to the United States of America for my exchange program at University of California, Irvine (UCI). This post will focus on the latter.

I admit that I was anxious before coming to the States. On one hand, I was afraid because I did not know what to expect. I knew nobody in Irvine. I wonder how my parents handled it when they had to move from Malaysia to Australia all by themselves for university 30 years ago. In those days, there was no internet or any form of free instant communication. Worse yet, they had second-grade English skills going to a foreign country further than anywhere they had travelled. In that way, I guess I am a little spoiled because at least I can speak English well and own a phone with Whatsapp, email, and other forms of social media. On the other hand, I was anxious because I did not want to leave behind my holiday lifestyle. In a way, it felt like I had to start all over again. I'm sure most people would know that feeling when you have to go back to productivity after a short layover of desire gratifications. It's sort of like Monday Blues but amplified.

I got to Irvine and for the first few days, I was jet-legged and felt terribly homesick. I would constantly look at my watch that displayed the time back in Sydney and wonder what my family and friends were doing. All I wanted was to go home. Even though my roommate Leland treated me real nice and all, I just needed someone familiar! I remember going on Facebook and trying to find old friends to talk to. Anybody would do. Even people who I didn't usually talk to would do. Slowly, however, I overcame Mr. Homesickness by trying to make new friends. He's still here with me, but I have now learnt to make peace with him.

Having been here for almost 2 weeks now, I have been thinking about what I want to achieve while I'm on exchange. Chances are, this could be my lifetime's only opportunity to live in the US. I have to appreciate it to the fullest, don't I? And how best to do that than to meet new friends and make a lasting impression on them? A lot of people go on exchange to tour places and see stuff. Sure, I want to do that too but I want to do that with meaningful people whose company I enjoy. I am here to experience the campus life. And that includes making new connections. If I really wanted to tour every single terrain of this vast country, I can always come back to the States if I become rich one day.

When I return to Sydney and look back at the 6 months I spent here, the thing that will make me smile and perhaps drop a tear would be the people I would have met and not the places I visit. Because no matter how beautiful some landmarks are, the impressions they leave in me will never be as strong as the connections I make. So while I am here, I want to really live my life. Meet different people. Learn from them. Appreciate them. I have nothing to lose. Perhaps my pride, but that'd be it. And my pride will be non-existent anyways when I leave this country. But my impression on others won't necessarily end. At the end of the day, perhaps I would learn how beautiful the people of America are.

Before I end the post, I just want to remind all my fellow Losers (if you guys even read my blog) that the primary reason that I came to choose the US for my exchange is because of you guys. I can't wait for that day in March when we take a photo of (most of) us reunited again. I miss you all. I miss high school. And it's so great that we are currently standing on the same piece of connected land. Peace.

The Occasional Outing

I did not have much planned for this year's summer holidays. I didn't bother going anywhere because my family will be coming to Melbourne for Christmas and New Years and I will be off to California right after New Years. Besides a couple of odd student ambassador shifts per week and some administration work with my exchange program, I have a lot of time for myself. With hours of vacant time to spare every day for the past 3 weeks, here's what I have been up to.

Manly Day-Trip

A few of us went on a day-trip to Manly for a swim. We left just after lunch but only got there in the late afternoon because we missed the ferry twice. Anggi brought us to check out a small beach with fish that she visited when she was younger. Later on we went for a swim at Manly beach. Anggi and I got got caught in a rip momentarily and I almost thought that we wouldn't make it to shore. But luckily for my limited knowledge on beach safety, we got out of the rip by swimming sideways. Relieved, we went to Nando's and had a good feast on chicken. 

Rock-Climbing

It had been a long time since I last rock-climbed. The last time was 11th grade, I think. Bo An thought it'd be cool to check out this big indoor rock climbing gym and so Ke You and I went along. And boy, was rock-climbing tough. Technique, strength, stamina, balance, and footwork were all a big part of rock-climbing. After that outing, I realised how fit a lot of Australian men and women were.

Bondi - Bronte Coastal Walk
While I've walked the coastal walk plenty of times in the past, each trip offers plenty of photo opportunities. This time, I went on a cloudy Thursday afternoon so the beach and the walk was rather quiet and soothing. I really enjoy the photos from this trip.

Newcastle Day-Trip
It was my idea to go for a day-trip to Newcastle. While I have been here in Sydney for almost 2 years now, I haven't really taken much time to explore areas outside of Sydney. Newcastle is a relatively large coastal city (by Australian standards) a couple of kilometres north of Sydney. Not knowing what to expect, Bo An, Samanvay, and I took a 3-hour train to Newcastle. We visited a beach, a fort, the city, a cathedral, a street market, and an art gallery. My impression of Newcastle was a rather quiet but well-maintained city with a a lot of indie art. We walked for hours under the bright hot Australian sun and by the end of the day, Bo An and I got sunburned.

Tropfest

The first film festival that I went to. Held in Centennial park, it is the world's largest short-film festival. Initially, Bo An, David, Lisa, and I were going to go together. Due to some communication issues, however, we split up. Bo An and I took the bus while David and Lisa took a cab. We did not see one other at the venue because there were just too many people. To sum it up, a great night where I had Doritos for dinner while consuming 16 short films.